“What does it mean if someone falls by the wayside?”

Systemic leader Dagmar de Vries:

“When a person falls by the wayside, does that revolve around the person or about what this person subconsciously represents (as well)?

When this situation arises, the leader’s first instinct is often to make it personal and to want to solve the issue of what is happening with this person. What are they doing that is not quite right? What should they change so that they fit in again? It causes discomfort within us, and we want to get rid of that as soon as possible. The discomfort is a deep survival mechanism: fitting in is survival. Because this is so deeply ingrained within us, we often act immediately instead of taking the time to first observe what is really happening. And this roughly follows two paths.

The personal path can be very helpful, provided that you, as a leader, have permission from an employee to enquire about it. This is because you are operating at the intersection of the professional and personal domains. Within the personal domain you are leaving the domain where you, as a leader, have authority, so you require permission. On this path, you are exploring the following with this employee: are you distancing yourself or are you finding yourself at a distance? What are you actually experiencing there? Do you find it annoying or helpful for your work?

We often form assumptions about being keeping one’s distance, and something from your own background is often involved. Try and investigate, free of your own assumptions, how the employee experiences this. If they are having a hard time, you can explore the following: what is it about this group that is affecting you? What scares you? At which point do you yourself wish to no longer fit in? Where would you like to be in this group? Where does the familiarity of this desire come from? Perhaps from previous positions or from earlier in your life, how you fitted in with your family of origin?

Sometimes current personal circumstances also contribute to the situation. In schools or classrooms, for example, we often see that children who fall by the wayside are children who have stepped outside the order. A child who has to take care of their parent(s) at home, for example, finds themselves entering the energy of the adults – and is partly absent because their attention remains at home. A system always reacts when someone is inwardly absent, as an empty space feels unsafe for the whole. Unfortunately, the system also reacts through bullying, as an attempt to bring someone back to the here-and-now.

The personal perspective can therefore provide valuable information regarding falling by the wayside. But we also know that the system is much more powerful than the individual. The task of a systemic leader is to zoom out, in order to see how the greater system shows itself through this person. What is being revealed here? And since when has this been going on?

It is often the case that feelings of discomfort, shame or guilt cause a person to fall by the wayside. Something is not flowing. When you have a firm grasp on this, you are able to zoom out once again and ask yourself the following: where else do I see this? Perhaps in completely different ways, but who or what within the system keeps falling just by the wayside? Is it critical thinking? Showing yourself? Involvement with a particular group of clients? What – in all its varied forms – is not quite welcome here?

An important but sometimes tricky topic to discuss in this context is the current inclusion movement. The purpose of inviting everyone to belong is worthwhile. But… if everyone is allowed to participate, this will also weaken the system. A viable system requires clear boundaries. If these are absent, it creates an undercurrent in which people go looking for the boundaries themselves, and this can be a brutal occurrence. Sometimes the inclusion movement becomes a symptom of these unclear boundaries. We therefore must look at the information that comes with falling by the wayside as well. If we are no longer allowed to look at that because of our desire to include everyone, then we are missing out on truly important information.

So, I would say – to you as a leader, but also to you personally when you feel resistance towards this person – investigate it. Follow your own discomfort. Take it seriously, let it guide you and find out where you truly feel resistance towards this person. Exaggerate it a little, the trait that makes you think: “This is really worthless, and I want them to stop doing this immediately.” If you exaggerate it just a little and follow your feelings internally, you will arrive at the information concerning itself with what it is that this system no longer allows in. And yes, as a bonus, you will also find information about what you yourself may not easily let in.

At this point you can look at the point in time where this information stopped being able to present itself. Does it have something to do with the past, or with the rapidly approaching future? Is it something that is coming right for us, something that this person is already connected with? Or is this originating from a greater system?

It is also helpful, as a leader, to have this conversation with the team. If you notice resistance in the room, someone being left out of conversations, have the courage to notice this. Make your reflection a factual one and have the conversation about it. What is the discomfort?

Especially if it concerns only one person falling by the wayside, you, as a leader, have the responsibility to provide a foundation for this person. Ask questions such as: “For what are you working so very hard?” or “For how many people do you carry the load in this team?” In doing so, you provide a voice to the possibility that someone is not working for themselves, but for the greater whole. You acknowledge that someone, by “falling by the wayside” might in fact be very committed. Even if someone appears to be skiving off, it could be that they are showing something regarding a deep connection to the organisation.

It is incredibly powerful when a systemic leader is able to investigate both these perspectives. So, what is happening to this person in this group, and what is resonating within them from their history? And – at the same time – what is happening within the greater system through this person?”

This question originates from the Systemic Leaderschip Fan-deck. The fan-deck contains 224 questions regarding 45 themes. Each question has the potential to help you take the next step.